Does It Fit My Butt

Fine! I’ll Just Go Naked

It’s that time of year again. The holidays always bring that inevitable last minute event you are expected to attend. There is no way around it. You. Must. Go. The problem? You have no idea what to wear! And so, you brace yourself for what happens next.

  1. Denial: You need to wear something appropriately adult for the holiday party. You have a closet full of clothes. There has to be something buried in there that fits this description. There is really no reason to go shopping.
  1. Anger: An hour has passed and half of the contents of your closet are lying on the floor around your ankles. You ask yourself, “How can I have a closet full of clothes and still not be able to find something that fits (even with Spanx) and is cute enough to wear to this event?”
  1. Acceptance: The event is in three days, and you have nothing in the house that fits other than jeans, tee shirts, and the stuff you wear to work every day. Therefore, you have no choice but to go shopping. $#%&!
  1. Bargaining: Misery loves company, so you approach your husband with a bright smile and ask him to go shopping with you. He tries to mask the terror in his eyes as he runs through the list of excuses he has prepared to avoid this disaster waiting to happen. He offers up some reasonable explanation of “Golly gee, I would love to go shopping with you but I really have to get this [insert long made-up task] done for work.” You offer to cook him breakfast for the rest of the week but he politely declines. You even offer him special unmentionable favors, but the trade isn’t worth it. You must accept that you are going on this shopping trip alone.
  1. Preparation: First, you put on something cute but comfortable (like jeans and a tee-shirt) paired with shoes that are easy to slide on and off. Next (and most importantly) you pack snacks: dry roasted almonds, blueberries, a Larabar, and a 2-pound bag of Starburst. Why snacks? Because if this shopping trip is fruitless, you will want to eat your cares away and ain’t no body got time to stop at the gas station.
  1. Just Do It: You give yourself a pep talk. “Today, I will find exactly the right outfit to wear to the party. It will be cute and it will fit! This will be fun. I just have to go to one store and find one outfit and then I can go home! Get out of the car. Go inside. I can do this!”
  1. The Hunt: You take a deep breath and walk into the store. The strategy is simple: stay out of the aisles, don’t make eye contact with other shoppers, stay away from the discount rack (unless you are a size 0) and whatever you do, DON’T TALK TO THE SALESPERSON. If she gets involved, she will suggest things you know will look horrible on you, and you will be stuck trying on things out of obligation. Start with the darker colors and try to find something may work with the right jewelry and shoes. (Note: jewelry and shoes are great because they ALWAYS fit). At this point, you are not picky: A dress, slacks and a blouse, or a skirt and top are all fair game. If it looks cute, and they have your size, it gets picked up. Keep looking until you run out of racks or your arm gets tired from holding the clothes. Then, brace yourself for the worst part: Trying the clothes on.
  1. Follow The Rules of Trying On: These are important dressing room rules that must be adhered to:
    • The 3-garment rule: There is no reason to go into the changing room and take off your clothes for less than three viable garments.
    • The Clean Changing Room rule: Nothing is worse than trying on clothes in a room that has 37 garments left by other women who were too lazy to take them out of the room. Spend the 2 minutes hauling out the extra clothing so that you can have a clean, peaceful place to try on clothes.
    • Mirror Avoidance Rule: Avoid looking directly into the mirror until the outfit is actually on your body. Catching a glimpse of yourself uncovered can be distracting from the task at hand, and may cause you to leave before actually trying something on.
    • Rule of Order: Tops go on first because they have the highest likelihood of fitting, and don’t require you to get fully undressed. Next, try on dresses; still no need to take off your jeans. Finally, try on any bottoms, and only if the matching tops were ones that fit earlier.
  1. Second Pass: Once you have tried everything on, revisit anything that showed any ounce of promise. Make sure it is actually cute and verify you weren’t deluding yourself the first go around. If nothing in the dressing room fits, make a second pass through the department in hopes that you missed that perfect dress or the super cute skirt. Then repeat step 8, keeping your fingers crossed for better luck. Yes, you will probably need to clean another dressing room.
  1. The Walk of Shame: Nine times out of ten, you go home with nothing. (Every once in awhile, you settle on an outfit that fits, but is not cute, but will work enough to get you through whatever event is around the corner. Alas, today is not that day). Walk to the car empty handed and try to look on the bright side: At least you have logged 1948 steps on your Fitbit. Oh, and there are snacks waiting for you.


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